Freewrite 4: Small Victories + Diving In + How I Solved A Mystery

I got good news from the doctor today. I haven't had this disease for a long time, and I know it's mild compared to other chronic illnesses, but I do know it's vital to celebrate the small victories. I haven't lost much weight, and to be 100% honest I still am figuring out the whole "eating healthy" and "exercise" routine (argh. why can I be one of those girls who has no taste for pizza and loves cycling 3 times a day.), but my A1C levels are lower. And that's good. 

I got a London Fog with almond milk at my favorite coffee shop to celebrate. 

Small victories. 

I also think I am going to give God a try again. 

That sounded more dramatic than I meant it too. What I really meant is that I am going to dive in like I haven't in...years. Maybe since seminary. Maybe since before that. Who knows. I have always really loved Jesus. I have always believed He was real, and thought it was important to have a relationship with Him. I have always had a relationship with Him. It's just been one of those one-sided I really only chat with ya when it's convenient for me kinds of relationships as of late. 

I had a conversation with my dad at lunch last week, and he was frustrated with me because I basically said I don't trust God. That's not true, well, not fully true. There are a few things in my life that I fully trust God with. But, there are other things that I would rather just control, thank you. That's not good, I know it. My dad told me that I would never be happy and nothing would change as long as I am trying to control it. Rude. I can make things happen for myself - as evidenced by lots of things in my life. 

But then I started thinking about it, and I realized that I often give myself credit for things that God clearly did. I won't list them out here - but I think that pretty much everything that's happened in my life has been because God guided me or prompted me. This gets a little dicey because I don't know what "hearing from God" really sounds like these days or whether or not God directed me to make some choices that ended up being SUPER painful...but I think those are maybe just questions that literally all followers of Jesus have. None of us know the answers. 

So I basically think I am just going to give all the stuff I used to do a try again. 100%. Because I need hope. I need something to cling onto rather than the bullshit that clogs my Facebook feeds, or the arguments everyone is getting in about everything. I need something to make me happy - and I know that's not what God is all about (MA in Theology hasn't gone to that much waste) - but I do remember a time when I was much happier. It was when I was reading my bible and studying theology and praying and asking hard questions. I've dipped toes into that in recent years, but I have stayed safely on the ledge. My cynical, safe, ledge that I control. 

What a cliche Christian metaphor - diving in. But it works. So that's that. I'll give it a go. I think it's about time. 

On to something less "millennial existential crises-y" - I solved a mystery this week. I got in a hit and run on Friday and it was terrible. But, I found the car that hit me on Sunday! Call me Olivia freaking Benson. I was so proud of myself. Anyway - I hope this means insurance will pay for stuff and I won't have to drive Ellie around looking all ghetto for a long time. 

There's the timer. 

-L

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My friend Paul is a terrific writer, and does a "Friday Freewriting" exercise that I decided to steal. I will try to do it once a week. Set the timer for 15 minutes and write. Who knows what will come out. Then, I'll edit for mistakes and post. Easy.