Dear Diary: Things I wish I could forget, but since I can’t, I’ll publish them on the internet. (part 2)

So, I started publishing my old diary entries. Weird? Yes? But I am not easily embarrassed and I actually love the idea that people are laughing at the expense of 11-14 year old Lauren. So, I’ll keep posting them. Wanna see the first one? You should definitely read it because it paints a picture of just how silly I was back then.

July: The month I pretty much only went to Church to see boys.

July 9, 2000

‘I tried Youth Church because Ryan wasn’t at church again. It was way better than Sunday CZ, but Sharon said we couldn’t go up anymore. Poop on her!’

Good comeback Lauren. Reaaaaaaly good. I will have you know that this is the first of many times that I used this “diss” (P.S. the word DISS!? Do you remember using this word!!!). Some other choice insults I liked to use during this period of my life were: “idiot-face,” “ass clown” (which, I still totally love to use today), “dummy-butt” (which is a real winner in my book) and “snot.” 

I also want to highlight here that I was the girl who got in trouble for sneaking into youth church. Like, some kids got in trouble for stealing or smoking cigarettes, but the pinnacle of my punishment for something involved being told to not go to a church service.

July 1 and July 22, 2000

‘We ran a bunch of aarons…’ and ‘We ran a bunch of erins…’

I effing just needed to learn how to spell errands. ERRANDS.

This makes me cringe.

July 23, 2000

‘I miss last summer. Muriel’s really changed.’

This was all the entry said. I was sure depressed, I couldn’t elaborate, and we all know that I can elaborate on just about anything. But you know what? Muriel really had changed and I just didn’t even know how to process it. So, the depression and consequent lack of words is super valid.

July 30, 2000

‘I went to church. Ryan wasn’t there but I saw him at the Bradford’s going away reception. He said he has a girlfriend but I think he’s lieing. Whoevers his girlfriend is really lucky. He’s gotten way cute! CYA!’

Well the summer-long mystery of where the love of my life Ryan had been all summer was SOLVED. In retrospect, it really was sad that I spent the whole summer pining for a boy and that was pretty much the only reason I went to church. Oh, and for the record, he totally did NOT have a girlfriend and we made out later that summer so the joke is on him.

Have we talked about how I say CYA at the end of pretty much every entry? I think I am going to start using that as my signature sign-off as an adult.

August and September, 2000.

August 1, 2000

‘Then we made Kaylin like Britney Spears and did a concert for Kelsey and Alyssa. Oh yeah, Ryan might be at church tomorrow and I have a different plan (smiley face).’
This was like, the epitome of my childhood. We dressed up and did concerts and music videos for our younger siblings to questionable pop songs. (I will say that I deeply resent that I ALWAYS  had to be Scary Spice when we played Spice Girls.) But for the most part, we just all dressed in the latest fashions from Limited Too, and danced around. I miiiiiiight still do this now, but it usually involves alcohol.

And looky here! Ryan makes another appearance! I guess our epic love story was NOT done yet. I don’t know about you but I am on PINS AND NEEDLES thinking about what my ‘different plan’ was.

*Note the use of a smiley face. This is the first time one of these makes an appearance…I was so ahead of the game you guys.

August 11, 2000

‘For my birthday my mom and dad bought me the make-up planner and white Adidas.’

I can picture the make-up planner right now. It was everything. Also, let’s take a moment to appreciate footwear of the early 2000s. Adidas and Jack Purcells certainly were the big ones, right?G15721_01

Yikes. These are some of the ugliest shoes I have ever seen. Fashion-savvy Lauren of the present would cringe at the idea that I once wore these. But, then I remember that I also wore these:

mudd

…and the shear horror of that eliminates the shame I feel about white Adidas.

I would just like to say that during this particular time, there was a little addition to the ‘CYA!’ sign-off. ‘Bye Bye Bye!’ (AHHHHHH. So horrible).

August 19, 2000

‘I went on AOL.com chat room. I met a girl who I think is cool.’

Oh sweet naive Lauren. I’ll be interested to see if I write about this ‘girl’ anymore, because I am guessing it was really a 40 year old man with questionable intentions.

September 7, 2000

‘I hung out with everybody and the new girl Audree. She’s nice!’

SO THIS IS WHERE IT STARTED. You guys – SHE WAS NOT NICE. Let me tell you about this girl. She was my first real-exposure to the kind of bat-shit crazy that ends up on reality shows. This girl was nuts. I literally have repressed most of my memories of her, but I have a few lingering nightmares about her antics every once in a while. I cannot wait to continue reading my diaries because I had to have captured some of the horrifying experiences we had together.

 

 

Dear Diary: Things I wish I could forget, but since I can’t, I’ll publish them on the internet.

So I’m starting a new series called, well you can read the title above. But it’s going to be glorious.

And here’s the point. I mainly just want to indulge myself in the nostalgia that comes with reading diaries from the past. But I also think it’s hilarious to look back at the things I thought were matters of life and death. I also just want to make you laugh a little. So there’s not huge lesson or learning in this, just plain, embarrassing, adolescent drama.

I thought about changing names, but since I literally have not seen or talked to most of the people mentioned in over 10 years – I’m leaving them. Sorry if you’re reading this and you see what you think is your name. It’s probably NOT you, but if it is, get over it. It’s been over a decade and we’re both over all this anyway. Cheers!

unnamed

For reference, this is the diary I wrote in during this season. It’s from Limited Too, and it had the best little section at the end so I could remember EVERYTHING.

unnamed-1

June 2000 was a really epic month, apparently.

June 7, 2000

‘And I graduated from dare. Well I hope you last a long time because I think many more boys and problems will come up. There’s a new kid named Kyle (Hannah’s couisin) He’s funny, and okay!’

Here we go, first entry. You’ll notice what begins a trend of some really questionable spelling. For as much of a spelling/grammar nazi as I am now, it is really painful to look back at these entries and see how little I cared about spelling. Oh well, I guess I can’t be to hard on myself. I was 11 years old.

And how prophetic was I? Because THERE WAS many more boys and problems. Oh, if I could squeeze 11 year old Lauren’s cheeks and say: sweets, you have nooooo idea what ‘boy problems’ are! I would.

June 8, 2000

‘It was an eventful day. We couldn’t talk the whole morning until lunch. Then we had wheel day. I brought my skates. Well gotta go! Mrs. Steph is gonna show me her NSYNC pictures! Ryan I. is still #1! I hope the 6th grds have a good graduation. Oh no! Colby’ (and yes the sentence does end right there with no period). 

Let me assure you that for Lauren, age 11, this would have been the worst day of my life. No talking AND wheel day? Literally hell. At least my favorite after-school counselor had the right idea to remedy my bad day. Also, it looks like I was really concerned about Colby…which, in retrospect, I was right. That girl was strange and I am pretty sure I had a really tumultuous friendship with her. Highlights include her mom telling me I was ‘ruining her daughter’s life’ because I got a solo in the choir we were in and kissing her brother.

June 10, 2000

‘When I was at Kaylin’s we rode to Madi’s house and picked her and Noey up to come over. Then we went swimming. Then we ate Pringles + Dr. Pepper. We lost our last softball game by only 1 run. Who cares!’

I was very concerned with sharing the intricate details of my hangouts, including the exact menu. In thinking about this, I wonder what we ‘rode’ to Madi’s house. You see, all my friends were super skateboarders and bike-riders, and I was neither of those things. I probably was the lame girl walking behind the gang on boards. That happened often I feel like.

June 11, 2000

‘I saw Justin at church. I think Nick likes me! Boy will be surprised when Ryan comes. I just hope Ryan, Nick, and Justin don’t all get me messed up…I dislike Nick! I wrote a note to Ryan telling him we’re just friends. I really x2 like Jeffrey!’
You guys. This is my favorite. Here we see the beginning of the “listing” of boys that seems to be a theme throughout my teenage years. Just wait until we get to 8th grade. It’s pretty fascinating what I rank boys based on (and also like super awful and shallow). The great part of this is that none of the boys listed here actually liked me, so looks like I was just a liiiiiitle cocky. A friend pointed out how quickly Ryan went from being #1 to just being my friend. She is right, that is a really fast turnaround. I really, really think my diary might be evidence for the case that I am bi-polar. Or just 11.

June 13, 2000

‘We had our pool party. They were all being snots and the girls even wore tube tops! Snots!’

I’m dying. 11 year old Lauren was very concerned with the outfits of my schoolmates. Tube tops!? Oh, the horror. If I was this concerned with bare shoulders, I would be positively mortified at what most girls wear these days. And ‘snots!’ as an insult? Solid. Let’s bring that one back, ok?

June 14, 2000

‘I was kinda flirting with Martin not for looks though. I haven’t seen Jeffrey, but Ryan’s up next. Ugh!’

I really think this points to the underlying depth of my interest in boys. I mean, if I wasn’t flirting with Martine for looks doesn’t that mean I was a super good person and looking beyond the physical? I think so. Pat on the back 11 year old Lauren. You were wise beyond your years.

After reading the next part of that sentence, I can see I was back to my old ways. All credibility is lost. Basically, I just liked whoever I saw around most frequently. That must have been super exhausting!

That’s kind of how it still works these days…if I’m honest.

June 15, 2000

‘I am sad to not have school anymore. Noelle gets acrilics, waxed eyebrows, and shaved legs unfair! We went to Blimpies for lunch if that’s any exciting?’

Oh my gosh, this is gold.  I believe this statement was really before it’s time because this absolutely calls for #firstworldproblems. Notice my spelling errors here. Also, no 11 year old Lauren, your lunch choice was not ‘any exciting’ what the hell does that even mean?

June 24, 2000

‘I hope Ryan’s at church. I need to tell him how I really feel about Jeff.’

I love that I was super concerned about telling Ryan about ANOTHER boy. Coincidentally. neither of these boys liked me, so I was very stressed out about nothing. And let’s just not focus on the fact that I mainly was excited to go to church for the possibility of seeing a boy. That has for SURE changed…right?

Stay tuned for a look at the rest of the summer of 2000. It only gets better you guys. It only gets better.

The morning after.

I.

If you follow me on Social Media you know that I had (have, one is later this afternoon) 3 weddings this weekend. Ah, weddings. I’m used to them by now. I have my little routine.

Arrive on time. Small-talk with people I know and others I just met. Choose which groomsmen is the cutest (and notice whether or not he is wearing a ring…). Marvel first at the bridesmaids dresses and then at the bride’s. Cry during the vows. Snap the perfect Instagram shot as the pair comes down the aisle during the recessional. B-line for the open bar. Must. have. two glasses of wine before dinner. Dinner. Toasts. Mentally decide if I’m going to stay for dancing and if so, one more glass of wine. If there is a bouquet, I’ll try to catch it. (I’ve actually caught three – so it’s kind of my “thing.”) Cry once more when the bride and groom walk through the soccer-esque tunnel that we all make for them. Get in my car and go home.

I truly, truly love weddings because I truly, truly love seeing my friends happy. In love. Euphoric. In anticipation of what’s to come (both in life, but also later on that evening…ha).

But I’ll admit, every wedding I attend, the sting of being perpetually single gets a little more acute, a little more painful.

When will this happen for me? 

Or recently, just:

…will this happen for me? 

(Note: Some of you might be thinking, please. I’m much older than you and have gone to ten times more weddings than you and it sucks much more for me than you. Some of you have told me this, when I share my feelings about being single with you. (Just so we’re clear – that’s not helpful.) But yes, I acknowledge that. I acknowledge that I am young and still “have time” and shouldn’t think about this as much as I do. But I am a thinker and a writer and that’s the most terrible combination when it comes to matters of the heart, so here we are. We each have our own stuff, and this is mine. I don’t want to compare and contrast, and it’s not your place to judge whether or not I am over-thinking this or feeling too many feels about being single for a person my age.  Please just allow me to process, to make sense of something that really shifted my perspective. That’s what this space has always been good for, anyways.)

II.

I always hate to compare weddings because every wedding I’ve ever been to is lovely and perfect and special – fitting the bride and groom like the proverbial glove. But there was something inexplicably profound about the wedding I attended last night. I’m realizing, not so much because of the wedding, but because of the state of my heart during this time in my life.

I’ve been in this weird season for the last few months. Everyone told me it would be like this after Seminary. Initially, it started out with me being mad at God for not providing me with a relationship. But then it moved to this place of questioning everything I ever believed in. It’s normal for a twenty-something who has followed Jesus her entire life, I suppose, to have this doubt.

Does it really matter that I live a holy life? I’ve done pretty well thus far, I think I owe it to myself to live a little more free and adventurous for a while. Was Christian University and Seminary really worth it? Because I don’t even know that I want to go into vocational ministry, so it seems like it might have been kiiiind of a massive waste!? Is being a follower of Christ worth it? Because while I’ve experienced great joy in my walk with Him, I’ve also experienced great sadness. Grief. Pain. And frankly, that’s been more my story as of late.

I went into this weekend jaded. Bitter. I’d never say it flat out because like I said I love my friends and am so unbelievably happy for them, but you could probably sense it in the way I rolled my eyes when I told you “I have THREE weddings this weekend” or when I made the joke about needing my flask nearby at all times to endure it all.

I’m sorry I mask my feelings with this petty sarcasm.

But last night, something happened. This wedding, ironically, reminded me that a wedding is not about a wedding. It’s not about the pomp and circumstance or the dance party or the bridesmaids dresses or the hashtag.

We started out the wedding with worship. I was a bit skeptical when I heard about this plan, but once it started, it just felt right. We all know that a wedding ought to be a ceremony that puts God on display and points to Christ. But starting out with worship allowed this couple and the rest of us to, as they say, put our money where our mouth is.

As I sang the words from my favorite hymn:

“Heart of my own heart, whatever befall, still be my vision, Oh ruler of all.”

Things alarmingly came into a new focus.

Whatever befall. Singleness is what is, um, befalling (?) on me in this moment, but I’ve lost the vision. I’ve lost Christ in a haze of doubt and fear and skepticism and bitterness.

Because in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, in single-ness and in not single-ness, the calling is still the same – to glorify God by enjoying Him forever (thanks J Pipes).

I think sometimes us single people forget that a wedding and even a “person” will not make everything better (But, maybe it’s just me, so I apologize for making a generalization). A spouse is not the reward for following Christ. They are a gift, but not the gift.

Sure, being in love is amazing (or so I’ve heard), and there are about ten-thousand things that are awesome about being married, but it’s not the ultimate thing we as humans were created for. I forget that. I forget that my reward for following Christ is not a husband, but Christ. I forget that the adoring gaze or loving embrace of a man will never, ever match the adoring gaze or loving embrace of my Father. And no, it’s not about diminishing the wonderful-ness of being married to make myself feel better, but rather, making sure my thoughts about marriage take their proper place in the hierarchy of my desires and priorities. Marriage is something God created in His infinite goodness, but that’s not our singular call. If I am not living a holy life or pointing others to Christ  - I am not walking in a manner worthy of my calling. Honestly, I’m learning now that whether or not I have a spouse is irrelevant for the work God has called me too.

My goal in life should not be to find someone and to be a wife; my goal in life should be to glorify Christ, always. This is not a new epiphany, but for some reason, it is resonating in such a palpable way today.

III.

So, Will and Sally, your wedding reminded me that following Christ is worth it. Not because you’ve “found each other” but because individually and together as a couple, you remind me that God is good. Neither of you has had it easy, and even as you celebrated yesterday, the heartbreak you’ve experienced in this season was visible. But, even still, you worshipped. You glorified God. You made the promise in front of all of us to yes, cherish and love another, but most importantly to glorify God as individuals and as one.

Your wedding was spectacular – fun and sweet and hilarious – all the things a wedding should be. But, as I sit in bed on this morning after, a time normally spent grieving that life I want but don’t have, I am surprisingly at peace about it all.

Your wedding was healing for this single gal’s soul, and for that, I am grateful.

-L

 

On Being Nearly 25.

I.

In the last few weeks of my life, I’ve often contemplated how weird a thing it is to be 25. I am not 25, I am nearly 25.

25 is such a weird age. There are so many ways to be 25. Some of my closest pals are 25 and traveling the world, learning about other cultures and meeting fascinating foreign people and soaking up every moment of life abroad. Others are 25 and married, going through the daily joys and challenges of doing life with another person. Others, like myself, are slowing down after an intense run of grad-school or other post-graduate work. Oh, some of my most beloved friends are 25 and parents – some pregnant with their second child! There are so many ways to be 25.

And yet, there is no right way to be 25.

II.
When you were a kid, didn’t you imagine certain things about your adult life? When I was a little girl, 25 sounded ancient. I had lots of plans: Journalism school, move to Washington DC, grad school by 25 I would have an entry-level job in the United Nations. Sidenote: how much of a nerd to you have to be to have THAT be your dream as a child?Normal girls wanted to be a model or princess or fairy or something but I wanted to be a diplomat. But yes, things were mapped out, including my personal life. I always told people in high school that I wanted a career more than anything in life, and that meant if I had to choose between a job and a family, I’d choose the job, hands down. Funny how things change – anyone that knows me now would laugh at this. I might just be a tad…obsessed with children? Anyways, I digress.

In college, when I realized I didn’t want to get into politics, I decided that my life plan would surely include be married by 25 to a pastor or some sort and being the “cool, young, awesome” pastor/pastor’s wife duo. I get a little queazy knowing that at some point in my life I wanted to be known as a pastor’s wife (not that there is anything wrong with being one. I mention this only because I was so misguided during my early years of ministry, and I never would have considered becoming a pastor myself). But yes, this is what I thought a good Christian girl ought to have as her story. My college roommates spent nights planning our future weddings to anonymous pastor boys whom could be inserted into our dream world with ease, charm, and good-lookingness, of course. Ugh.

Towards the end of college, I realized that being married by 25 was probably not a reality, let alone being married to a pastor (fun fact: there were about 10-single pastors at my small Christian university and they were all not interested in dating women. Well, it’s likely that they were just not interested in dating ME, but whatever. They were lame). Here was the point in my life when I decided that by 25 I would surely be traveling the world, living in a foreign country and writing my brilliant travel memoir and impressing the online world with my hilarious blog about being an American in ________________.

25. A quarter of a century. 1/3 of the way through life (supposing I will die around age 78, which is the average life expectancy for someone like me). All these life plans – the next Condoleezza Rice, Pastor’s wife of the century, World-Traveling wunderkind.

III.
I’m sitting here in my favorite coffee shop. I’m a regular around here, I pop in once or twice a week and they know my name. I like that. I mainly stop here because I work full-time but when the day is over the last thing I want to do is sit in a mess of traffic, so I kill some time writing or reading or chatting. It’s my own little routine.

Because I’m nearly 25, I wanted to take inventory of my life. Let’s see how all the goals I had for myself are working out.

Politics and I had a break-up in college and we haven’t really hung out much since then. Every once and awhile I’ll tip-toe around an issue or a controversy, but compared to the energy that I used to exert on debating foreign policy and the constitutionality of American laws, it’s nothing. I couldn’t tell you one thing about the UN, and it literally might not exist anymore for all I know.

I am very unmarried. I am especially unmarried to a pastor of any kind. In fact, one thing I look for in a man is not being a pastor. Because I’ve grown out of my “only men should do ministry” phase – I no longer feel like I need to be attached to a man who does ministry to do ministry. And also, I want to spend time with someone who has lots of things to talk about other than pastor-y things. Nothing wrong with pastors, just not for me. My younger self would tremble in fear at this statement.

I’ve traveled a little bit, but I decided I really like America. A lot.

So if the younger versions of myself, kid-Lauren and college-Lauren and end of college-Lauren, evaluated me, would I be a failure?

No.

Because there is no right way to be nearly 25.

IV.
I am nearly 25. I’m fresh out of grad school. I just finished a 3-year degree in theology and education at a Seminary in the Orange County area. I work in the Communications department of a local church that I’ve been at for 8 years. I have a few close friends and lots of fun acquaintances. I live in a cute house in the sleepiest California beach you ever did see. I spend lots of time in coffee shops reading books and writing blogs. I am single, and while there may be men that catch my eye, I’ll probably be single for a while. I listen to mostly Broadway soundtracks and classical music. I love my family. Holding babies makes me very happy. Sometimes I dream of becoming a history podcaster or a theater critic or a fiction writer.

None of this is according to plan. And that’s amazing. Because as I breathe in the aroma of freshly roasted coffee and listen to the eclectic-mix of conversations that are happening in this place – I am content. More than content…happy. Being nearly 25 is the weirdest thing but it’s also the most wonderful thing.

I believe that I can change my mind about pretty much everything in my life right now, and it’s one of the most beautiful things about it.

So, here’s to another month of being nearly 25 and then a year of being 25 and then a year of being one year older than 25 and so on. If you’re reading this and your 25 or 26 or 32 or 28 and you feel like you’ve done everything wrong and nothing right and your plan didn’t come true and you’re not where you’re supposed to be or what you’re supposed to be or who you’re supposed to be or with who you’re supposed to be with – stop. You’re you. And that’s the best plan you could have right now.

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-L

 

Media Fast Update 1.

It’s June 14 which means I’ve been media fast-ing for about a month and a half now.

I should mention that during this time, I’ve also finished school, moved into a new city/house, and changed jobs slightly. So, no big life stuff happening over here…or anything. Oh, and I also just got off of a two week work sabbatical (so no going into the office/doing work/etc.), so I’ve been sitting at home doing very little for the last 14 days. Extroverts, we call that punishment.

There is so much to update you on: how boring life is without school (although I’m sure the feeling will subside eventually), how interesting I’m finding it is to live with 4 other girls in a house, how challenging it is to be single during yet another engagement season, how weird some of the thoughts are that I am having about my faith and ministry…

But, the media fast. That is what I’m choosing to share about.

Just to recap, I’m doing a year-long fast from a few things: non-Christian music, movies, TV. The book thing has kind of wavered because there are a few books I’ve been reading (mostly American history and creative non-fiction) that aren’t “Christian” but also aren’t “questionable.” Also a reminder – I’m not fasting from these things because I think they are inherently bad or evil, but because I was not not enjoying the ways that each component was uniquely affecting my mind and mental state. I gave some examples of what this looks like in that previous post, so check that one if you want to know more. And lastly, Social Media is NOT one of the things I am fasting. Again, read the previous post for reasoning on that.

So, first things first, yes, I’m still doing it.

The first month actually was not as challenging as I thought it would be, but I attribute that to the fact that I was frantically running around trying to…you know…graduate with my Masters…so I was a teensy bit busy. I can say that during the month of May, I did not engage any form of media that I was not supposed to.

An important thing to note is that during that time I was a normal person. There were plenty of times when people turned on music that I technically was not supposed to be listening to, and I didn’t scream in terror or melt or anything. I just simply carried on like a normal human being. The whole point of this fast is for ME to choose to not engage in that media on my own volition, but not to chastise others for it, or make them feel weird.

Shout-out though, to a few of my sweet friends who always made it a point to make sure the music we were listening to was Lauren’s fast approved. You’re too good to me.

Then June happened.

I had already made a consent to see a movie with my friend because we had read the book and made plans to see it before the fast started, so I thought looking forward to that would be enough.

But the month of June meant a few things: no grad-schoolwork for the first time in 3 years, a move into a big new house with a big new TV, lots and lots of alone time since I didn’t have to go into work. The last 14 days have been really, really hard. All I want to do is curl up on the couch and binge watch the new season of Orange is the New Black or soak in something that makes me feel all nostalgic like Dawson’s Creek or One Tree Hill or something like that. I’m not kidding, there were moments when I was holding the remote and I had to talk myself out of watching TV when I was home alone (yes, I talked out loud and yelled at myself).

And then there was a moment, two specifically, when I didn’t talk myself out of it. Confession time people: I cheated once this month. I won’t tell you what movie I watched (because that’s just plain embarrassing for me) BUT I thought it was important to share that. I know, I know, it’s not the end of the world. People cheat on diets and fasts all the time, so I’m not sitting over here beating myself up. In fact, my roommate offered some sage advice when I confessed to her, and she said that the most important thing is that I don’t allow myself to just give up or fly off the handle, but rather to accept that I cheated, move on, and continue with the fast. I can’t let one slip up define everything.

So that’s what I am doing. I messed up, and that’s fine. What’s important is I still think I need to be doing this fast, and so I’m doing it, regardless of the fact that my perfect record is now blemished.

To briefly share about my “state of mind:” it’s fascinating to me how my mind can take me places even when I don’t have media to stimulate me. That’s been the hardest part, having to still deal with things even after removing what I think is a large contributor (media), simply because once you’ve seen something or heard something – you can’t unsee or unhear those things. It’s only been a month and a half, so I  know that the “detox” phase is still very much happening…but it’s frustrating to still have to be on guard with what is racing through my mind, even after limiting myself so much. I guess that’s life though, right? We have to deal with things all the time that are hard or aren’t fair and we just do it. There’s no rhyme or reason, but it’s how it is and we figure it out. That’s what I am learning. I can’t necessarily prevent myself from thinking sinfully because I’m human, but I can take steps in the right direction, and so that’s what I will do.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense…I didn’t even really know how to articulate most of these thoughts, but people kept asking for updates, so I couldn’t think of a better way to share. Thanks for being a part of this journey with me. I appreciate it. Here’s to the next 321 days.

Whoa.

-L

(thought it would be fun to add this little survey at the end of each update)

Currently…

craving: The new Coldplay album (if you’ve never heard something, can you crave it?), One Tree Hill
pondering: Will I honestly make it 321 days? I looked at that number…321…so.long.
asking: For prayer. I know it’s weird and I don’t want to over-spiritualize this, but the point of this whole thing was to cleanse my mind and think toward things that are lovely and true and pure and holy. Prayer that I would begin to see a transformation toward that would be epic.
thanking: My roommates for putting up with me and trying their best to find other things to do besides watch TV and movies all the time, other friends who have been rooting for me and genuinely care about this journey for me (when you tell me you want me to experience the fullness of this year and you are proud  of me…man that’s encouraging), and lastly, my “unofficial arbiter” – you know who you are and I am thankful for your encouragement in this season.